The Perks Of Being Numb
by luckiehondo317
Summary: Charlie feels abandonded after no friends come home for christmas. he begins to think about aunt helen and does something regrettable.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Friend,

I laid in the snow on New years eve again. I was cold, freezing, and shivering, but I didn't care. The memories still haunted years ago I was doing the same thing. Only I was on LSD. Another decision I slightly regret. This time, I Wasn't at a party, or out at The Big Boy. I was laying peacefully in my bed, then I started crying. It wasn't the baby kind either. It was the kind that racked every bone in your body with each sob. It was the unexpected kind. It was me feeling, and seeing...again. That kind.

I had hoped for this to be over. I know that I should be Past all these memories, yet I still can't see why I still loved Aunt Helen. After all, I knew what had happened, and I knew it was bad, horrible, unspeakable, yet I still loved her. I don't remember leaving my bed, or the house for that matter. I was halfway through my junior year, and I still cried like this. I'm pathetic. No. I am me, and no matter how old I am, it's still okay to cry.

I went to the the park that Patrick took me to almost two years ago to meet other men. He went there, and drank constantly, because, kind of like me, he was in a bad place at the time. He had just lost his first love. I told you about Brad, and their fight in the "Nutrition Center". Well, needless to say, they haven't spoken since, and I don't blame either of them. If things could be much simpler, maybe they wouldn't have to fight, and maybe I could have helped more when things got rough. I know that I can't do much, but I could try. I don't know what I was doing at this park, but it reminded me of a sad Patrick and I didn't like it.

It made me wonder how Patrick was nowadays. He nor anyone else stopped out this year. Only my brother and sister stopped out. I was extremely lonely this year. and things became worse than expected. I have a clear visual of the memory. I was standing in the great room when I collapsed. I remember hitting the ground and standing right back up. I had anger inside. It was Christmas eve, and everyone had already gone to bed. I walked determined to the kitchen, and searched frantically. After searching through numerious drawers I had finally found one. A steak knife that was actually sharp.

I walked with purpose to the sink, I would much rather make a mess in the sink. Over and over, three words kept flashing in my mind, "All My Fault" Memories of Aunt Helen kept popping up, and after an hour of completely silent sobbing, I did something I had never done before, nor had I thought I would ever do. I Cut my arm open. Deep. I do not remember feeling any pain. All I remember is crying and slashing. The next morning I remembered waking up in the hospital. I guess I had lost so much blood that I collapsed. The only way my parents knew was because they heard me drop the knife in the sink. I feel terrible. I hate myself for doing this, and I know that it will not ever happen again.

But I needed 13 stitches on each arm. Now I have to live with my new arms. Because for ever scrawled on my left arm is, "ALL MY", and on the right it says, "FAULT". Things like this will never go away. and I know that. I just hope that you, my family, everyone, and most of all, myself, can Forgive me. I'm sorry that I didn't write in two years, but you never know what can happen when something messes with your head. Even though I have problems. I know I can get through them. I guess this is really what it feels like to be numb.

Love Always,

Charlie


	2. Chapter 2

Dear friend,

I know that my last letter was a little harsh, and maybe difficult to read. I can assure you that i am fine now. My arms are healed, (except for the scars) and i still feel alone, but at least i have you to write to. At least i know that you listen. No one else here listens. I'm still buying from Bob. I still smoke, even though my sister told me to quit. I don't let it affect my schoolwork though. All in all, the only thing i am still worried about is, why hasn't anyone come home?

I know that i probably don't have to, but i want to apologize. I am so sorry for what i did. And if i made you worry, i am even more sorry. I know what i did was extremely wrong, and with the way my arms look, i know that i have to live with this my entire life. I don't mean to jump from topic to topic, but there is this looming feeling that Sam, Patrick, Mary Elizabeth, and Alice have just...forgotten about me. i know i should push these thoughts out of my head, but i can't and i keep trying and everytime i do, it just hurts more and more.

My parents are keeping an even closer eye on me. Now that I really have no one, I wish i could cease to exist. I know that they have more than likely abandoned me. I know that they are thinking about how i was just some freshman. I just wish i knew why though. When i cut myself, I felt this sense of relief. A sort of pacification that could only tide me over for so long.

I need to know whether or not Sam and Patrick still care about me. Neither of them know of my little incident. I'm sure that they would both still understand. If they love me like they say they do, then i know that everything will be fine...if they even come home.-

Dear friend,

I know that i probably didn't need to reiterate the salutation, but it has been two weeks since I last started writing to you. While writing, things started to get bad again. I saw things, and quite frankly, I'm still seeing. Please dont think differently of me for doing what i do. I have, within the past two weeks, cut myself again...i need more help, but i don't want it. Does that make sense? As i wr e thi i c n't he p but not to c y. So if th re ar let rs mis ng i am sorry. I think that this might be it for now. I feel that i need a sense of relief...maybe afterwards, The Smiths can sing me to sleep.

Love always,

Charlie.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Friend,

I wrote a poem todayand I thought I'd share it with you.

To feel or not to feel

It's not a choice

Everyone treats it as such

But you don't really have a choice

Pain.

Too much can make you numb

That's where I reside

My personal purgatory

My own escape

Beginning at the old edge

Of a new blade

My hope

Dwells in fear

Itself

I purge

Creating a new chasm

I cry

A new grand canyon

Where the river

Runs red

Religion

Pfft, so pure

So holy

No.

Just somebody's unholy hoax

My blade

For hope

My pills

To cope

But yet, that twisted rope

Fits perfectly.

I never feel

I will never kneel

When I step

Off the

Chair

Everything goes

Black as

Night.

And finally

I can feel

Release

Never in

Life

But only in

Death

.

.

.

Although this may only work for

Some

These are the perks of being

numb.

I Hope you like it.

Love always,

Charlie


	4. Chapter 4

(AN) i will no longer be writing for this story for i dont see it progressing...i am sorry to all the people who did like this story but i may brainstorm other topics for a perks story...

~Yours in solitude

~luckiehondo317

~Danny


End file.
